well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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