i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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