i'm signing you up for texting rehab
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
