I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
