i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
