Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
we should paint friendship bongs
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
