what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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