I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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