i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
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