Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i love accidental penises.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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