Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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