I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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