Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
