Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
