The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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