Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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