i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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