roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
