Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
