I feel great
I just peed on a car
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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