I want to have your abortion
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
