Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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