i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
