I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
