Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
