You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
