if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Sex in the backyard? Check.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
