My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
