I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
