We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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