I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
