He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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