During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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