Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Every concussion has its silver lining
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
