we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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