my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
