hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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