you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
