I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
