you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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