Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
