I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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