well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
