Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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