I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
