i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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