Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
