Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
