she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
