why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
