Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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